Caring
for Aging Parents

When It’s OK Not to Buy the Very Best

Perhaps the toughest gift you’ll buy this season is the one for your aging loved one. It’s likely the gift you’ll wrack your brain over, debating what he might really need and attempting to come up with something he’d never buy for himself but that he’ll really love. This is the way it worked with my husband’s father. We were always stumped for gift ideas, so we’d usually resort to restaurant gift cards—cards he’d never use unless we were with him so he could buy us dinner. When we did come up with a creative idea, we usually overdid it...

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Our Undeniable Need For Touch

[caption id="attachment_570" align="alignnone" width="300"] Much has been written about the effect of touch on newborn babies. We sometimes forget it can work wonders on adults, too.[/caption] A friend recently told me about a conversation she had with a man at a local bar. He was telling her the story of caregiving for his wife. After describing almost a decade of medical appointments, health disappointments, and moments of family strife, he said to my friend, “Do you know the hardest part of all those years? Not being touched.” Touch and human contact isn’t something most of us talk about openly. Many of us grew...

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Holidays Can Reveal a Lot About Aging Loved Ones

After my husband’s dad moved from Swampscott to Florida, we only saw him four times a year. I like to think we traded quick weekly breakfasts at Red’s Diner for long, quality weeks together by the pool. He got to know his Florida-based grandson like he never would have, and because we stayed with him, he got to wake up with our kids (who were both under the age of 4) and spend hours watching them splash in the pool and dismantle his house—hours and overnights he wouldn’t have had if he’d stayed here and we were in different houses....

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Plan Now For Winter

[caption id="attachment_480" align="alignnone" width="300"] Can anyone really plan for this?[/caption] On these 60-degree November days where coats are optional, it’s easy to deny what’s ahead of us. My winter clothes are packed away, my kids don’t have snow pants, and my eternal search for perfect black boots has yet to begin. But, whether we like to think about it or not, winter is coming. Last winter was a long one for all of us, but for most of our clients, it was worse. We had snow by Thanksgiving and in January and February, we were walloped with snow almost every...

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Alcohol and Aging Don’t Always Mix

[caption id="attachment_545" align="alignnone" width="225"] Even "responsible drinking" can be dangerous as we age.[/caption] You don’t hear much about alcohol abuse in seniors. Not because it doesn’t exist but because most of us don’t want to talk about it publically or because we don’t see the abuse. Alcohol was a major factor in the last years of my father-in-law’s life. He was lonely, depressed, and in pain, and a glass of wine or an evening cocktail was often the one part of the day he truly enjoyed. Unfortunately, he was also on a bunch of medications and unsteady on his feet,...

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When Does a ‘Collection’ Become Clutter?

[caption id="attachment_543" align="alignnone" width="300"] My husband collects memories, sometimes in the form of ticket stubs.[/caption] One of the biggest concerns we hear from family members worried about their aging loved ones is they are collecting too much stuff. “She won’t throw anything out.” “She saves things.” “She’s a hoarder.” When it comes to aging, collections can cause a lot of trouble. Sure, there’s the occasional person with a priceless collection of rare stamps, but most of us collect useless items. My husband, for example, collects memories—ticket stubs from concerts, mini-golf scorecards, road race numbers. He has an entire drawer of...

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Dealing With Depression in Aging Loved Ones

[caption id="attachment_533" align="alignnone" width="300"] One of Grandpa's greatest joys was watching his grandsons in the pool.[/caption] Memories are a funny thing: You can have a million great ones with a loved one and only one bad—how they looked the last time you saw them alive, an argument, or a bad day—and it’s that last bad memory you can’t shake. For me, my last Christmas with my father-in-law is that memory. We all arrived in Florida, excited for a week by Grandpa’s pool, even though the temperatures outside were below normal. Our pool plans were cancelled, however, when we discovered the...

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You’re Not as Good a Listener as You Think

[caption id="attachment_530" align="alignnone" width="279"] Whether your 3 or 83, listening can be hard.[/caption] As I write this, I know most people won’t read it. The same person who wants practical tips on organizing medications, avoiding falls, and taking care of a loved one with Alzheimer’s will likely skip over the most practical tip of all: Be a good listener. Why? Because we all think we’re pretty good listeners. We know to sit patiently, try not to interrupt too much, nod at the appropriate times. The funny thing is most of us (and I include myself in this) aren’t great listeners even...

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What to do when you’re not the caregiver

Most of what I usually write is for people taking care of aging loved ones. But what if you’re not the main person taking care of a loved one? Sometimes, not being the caregiver is just as hard. It’s a common scenario. Mom has dementia, Dad has his own health issues, Dad insists on taking care of Mom, and he won’t accept outside help. Maybe he’s handling everything himself and it’s a disaster or maybe he’s handling everything and it’s working out, but either way, you know it’s a ticking time bomb. Eventually he’ll burn out or get hurt or...

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Preparing to Die a Good Death

If you’re not someone who worries about death, I envy you. I am a death worrier. Pretty much always, I’ve worried about the end of life—either my own or someone else’s. I’ve had moments (usually in the car with a sad song playing) where I’ve thought so much about the eventual death of a currently living loved one that I’ve cried real tears. With time, age, and experience working in home care, my fear of dying a sudden, unexpected death is slowly being replaced by the fear I’ll die an extended, drawn-out one. Anyone who has experienced a long death...

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