Caring
for Aging Parents

Lessening the Losses of Aging

[caption id="attachment_624" align="alignnone" width="300"] One of the hardest conversations we had with my father-in-law was telling him he couldn't babysit our newborn[/caption] When we’re caring for an aging loved one, it sometimes feels like all we do is take away. We take away her car; we convince her to sell her home; we change his diet; we take away his privacy. These losses (and the discussions that surround them) are tough on everyone, but if you work at it, it’s possible to lessen those losses and the guilt you feel about them. In our family, the loss was babysitting. One...

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When A Loved One Says ‘I Want to Go Home’

[caption id="attachment_648" align="alignnone" width="300"] Sometimes, the "home" people ask for isn't the one they moved from last year; it's the one they grew up in.[/caption] I sat down with a resident at a memory care facility recently, and, within seconds, she asked me if I’d take her home. For me, a stranger, I could ask the question, “Where do you live?” and distract her with questions about her home, but distraction doesn’t come as easily for family members, who often feel sad, frustrated, and even guilty when the repeated theme of “going home” comes up. Going home and getting out...

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From Daughter to Caregiver: The Painful Change of Roles

[caption id="attachment_653" align="alignnone" width="268"] "No matter how old he or I get, he’ll always be my daddy."[/caption] One of the more heartbreaking conversations I’ve had was with a daughter who was caring for her father. She came to us looking for some help during the day, but she’d been his primary caregiver for more than a year. In between raising kids and managing her career, she was taking her father to doctor appointments, filling his pill box and reminding him to take them, handling all of his grocery shopping and other errands, doing his laundry, and occasionally reminding him to...

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Tips for Showering a Loved One

A couple of weeks ago, I had a conversation with a friend who took on the task of trying to shower her mother. Her mom has dementia and has been resistant to taking showers for several months. My friend’s dad, the primary caregiver, had given up the shower fight, but my friend wanted to help. She hoped, because she was the daughter and not the husband, her mom would be more willing to bathe. The day proved to be one of the more frustrating days of my friend’s caregiving journey. In the end, she was soaked, her dad was yelling,...

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How to Include Spouses in Caregiving

[caption id="attachment_616" align="alignnone" width="225"] Gram's been making lunch for Pa for more than 60 years.[/caption] My grandparents were a big part of my childhood. They lived nearby, and I was constantly with them, playing games, taking walks, or chatting in their living room. No matter what we were doing, I knew everyday the world would stop at 11:30 a.m. for my grandfather’s lunch. To this day, when I think of my grandmother, I almost immediately hear her saying the words, “I need to get home to feed Pa lunch.” Although Gram fixing Pa’s lunch every day is probably outdated and...

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When Age and Illness Ruin Travel Plans

[caption id="attachment_616" align="alignnone" width="225"] Gram and Pa back in their traveling days[/caption] My grandparents in Maine gave up their annual trip to Florida about 10 years ago. Air travel from their island isn’t easy for even the most able-bodied travelers (the small airport is two hours away and a flight to Florida usually involves several layovers and a 12-hour travel day), so when my grandparents’ health started failing several years ago, they decided to give up flying. My grandmother seems to have accepted the end of her traveling days, but my grandfather still laments the loss of his trip south...

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Getting Seniors to Eat: Old Food Habits Die Hard

[caption id="attachment_607" align="alignnone" width="300"] I've been eating the same breakfast for 10 years.[/caption] I’ve eaten the same thing for breakfast (oatmeal) every day for almost 10 years. Before that, it was Grape-nuts, which I ate for 15 years. I also eat the same lunch almost every day, and I’d probably eat the same dinner if my family shared my love for routines. But I love to eat, and I relish dining out and trying new things. It’s just at the heart of me, I’m kind of a weird eater. Unfortunately, mealtime idiosyncrasies are often enhanced as we age. Someone who...

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Hospital Stays Have Lasting Impact on Seniors

This can be a tough time of year for seniors. Flu and cold season leads to illness, ice and cold hamper exercise, and shorter days have a negative effect on dementia and Alzheimer’s. For whatever reason, this is the time of year when hospitalizations increase exponentially. Often times, my relationship with a family begins with a hospitalization. A loved one falls or gets sick, goes to the hospital, and requires assistance around the house when they return home. Before we begin work with any client, we have a “family meeting” to get a sense for a person’s routine and abilities—when...

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Ebbs and Flows: The Rollercoaster of Caregiving

[caption id="attachment_598" align="alignnone" width="225"] The ups and downs of caregiving can be as ever-changing as the tides.[/caption] One of the hardest adjustments for me when I became a new parent was accepting the ebb and flow of caregiving. People had warned me about the sleep deprivation that comes with late-night feedings but they didn’t warn me about the stress of his ups and downs—he eats everything, then he eats nothing; he finally sleeps through the night, then he’s up all night teething; he loves preschool, then he hates it. Every time it seemed like I’d cracked the secret code of...

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We May Need to Lower Holiday Expectations for Aging Loved Ones

Even though I work in senior care every day and advise people on the care of their aging loved ones, I’m the first to admit I don’t always make the right decisions or act the right way with my own family members. I can calmly and patiently deal with just about anything from a client, but when it’s my own family—when it’s personal—it’s a lot harder to see clearly. Like everyone, my patience and compassion sometimes gets clouded by my expectations for how things should be, my memories of how they used to be, and my wishes for what they...

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