A famous author once wrote, “You can tell a lot about a person by the way he handles these three things: A rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.” I’d add ailing parent to that list.
There are few situations as stressful as caring for a loved one, especially if you never thought you’d be the one caring for them. Maybe you thought your dad would take care of your mom but he passed away unexpectedly. Or your sister always said she’d do it, but she’s now busy with three young children. Or, if you’re like most of us, you lived life assuming everything would work out if your parent ever needed care.
With every heartbreaking story I hear about someone caring for an ill parent, I usually hear an equally heartbreaking story about family strife. Sometimes it’s a sibling, sometimes it’s a spouse, sometimes it’s both. Simple-seeming questions—Should we move mom out of her home? Is dad ready to come home from rehab? Should we hire an outside caregiver?—become fodder for arguments and reasons for future resentment.
I’ve written in the past about my failings in this area. As my father-in-law’s health deteriorated, so did my patience. Although I usually tried to be supportive of my husband and his siblings as they navigated the seas of aging, there were days that compassion and kindness eroded into selfishness and impatience. Those were the days that instead of feeling compassion for his sickness, I felt frustrated with the hopelessness of the situation. I can’t say I was the best wife on those days.
If you’re reading this and struggling with the family dynamics of caring for an ailing loved one, chances are, you think you’re the one who’s in the right. You may be the person putting in all the time, providing round the clock care for your loved one, or footing the bill to provide it. You may feel like others have let you down, and you very well may be right—but there’s almost always another perspective.
Maybe your brother can’t see past the loss of his parent to help make decisions right now. Maybe your dad is suffering from his own health issues that make him an incapable caregiver. Maybe your wife is exhausted from spending every day with a toddler and a newborn and the thought of taking on one more living thing—even a houseplant—overwhelms her (as was my excuse).
Families often become disjointed during illness because decisions are made and actions are taken without the family ever sitting down to say, “Let’s figure this out together.” If you’re in a place where you feel your family can’t agree on how to take care of your loved one, it’s critical that you talk about it. Rather than say, “Why can’t you …” and “I think we should…” say the words, “I care what you think; tell me about it.”
I can’t promise you that knowing all the reasons behind someone’s behavior will make the problems go away, but it may help relieve some of your daily stress. It might even help you agree on some solutions. Perhaps most importantly, it could help you preserve a relationship with a family member that will undoubtedly matter more to you in 20 years than what’s happening right now.
Originally published in The Swampscott Reporter
Molly Rowe owns FirstLight Home Care with her husband, Steve, and lives in Swampscott with their two sons. FirstLight provides non-medical in-home care to adults in Swampscott, Marblehead, Lynn, Salem, Peabody, Danvers, Beverly, and Lynnfield. For more information and help caring for your loved ones in the comfort of their own homes, please visit FirstLight’s website at www.salem.firstlighthomecare.com or contact Molly at 781-691-5755/mrowe@firstlighthomecare.com