by Molly Rowe
We are often asked the question, how much space is safe when caring for a loved one? Is it safe to leave my husband with Alzheimer’s alone for a few hours each day? Can Mom be left alone overnight? Can Dad shower on his own?
This question comes a few weeks into caregiving, when the loved one is out of crisis mode and asking for more independence, but still in danger of falling, not managing his diabetes, wandering, skipping meals, or whatever else might put him at risk. We, as caregivers, struggle because we want to give our parents/grandparents/spouses/siblings room to breathe and the opportunity to make their own choices, but we also want to keep them safe.
The struggle can be worse because we remember our loved ones as what they once were (a Harvard graduate, a CEO, the matriarch or patriarch of the family). “Dad ran a company for 40 years. How’s he going to feel about having a caregiver in his house telling him what to do?”
Unfortunately, there’s no perfect answer to the question how much space is safe. It depends on the person, the time of day, the weather (is it dangerous to be outside?), the family’s definition of “safe” (is a little risk acceptable if it means Mom lives a fuller life?), and numerous other variables. It can also be ever-changing. Maybe this week Dad can shower unassisted but next week he can’t. Our loved ones’ needs and abilities may change week to week, day to day, minute to minute.
If you want more care for your loved one than she wants (a pretty typical scenario), you may have to answer the difficult question of what’s more important to you—the 24/7 safety of your loved one or preserving his independence?
The good news is there are ways to provide care without completely sacrificing someone’s personal space or independence. It usually starts with asking instead of telling. When it’s safe to do so, caregivers who provide overnight care should ask clients where they’d like the caregiver to be all night: “This is your house. Where would you like me to sit until you need me?”
Obviously it’s not always safe for caregivers to give the person they’re caring for space or independence, but when and where it can be done, it should. It’s sometimes not so much about leaving them completely alone, as it is about involving them in their own care and offering help rather than forcing it.
Molly Rowe is the Owner of FirstLight Home Care of Salem, Mass.
Reprinted with permission.